Grandparents can be keepers of the family narrative

Jill Ebstein

Submitted photo/InsideSources.com

The structure of our families is frayed. Our children and grandchildren don’t communicate enough. The reasons? No time, no patience, too much work, stress and a potent cocktail of irritability and anger.”

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OPINION — Grandparents serve many roles within their families, but perhaps none is as important as being the keeper of the family narrative — the record of family history, traditions and values that can help bind us. 

Why is the family narrative important?

Our family story builds identity. Research shows that when children know more about their family history, they tend to have higher self-esteem, stronger coping skills and lower rates of anxiety. 

It offers tangible examples of overcoming challenges. Many grandparents have stories to share of financial hardship, war, discrimination and the like. Implicit in the telling is an “If I can do it, you can, too” attitude, which may help build resilience in the next generations. 

The narrative preserves values. My father went to synagogue and observed Jewish practices. On Friday night, our Sabbath, we sang songs that my children still sing today. Each culture — each family — has the opportunity to pass down cherished traditions, and it can feel very binding. 

It establishes connection. My “Bubbie” (grandmother in Yiddish) was very different from me. She immigrated from Eastern Europe at age 16, not speaking a word of English. Still, we were able to cross the cultural and language chasm. Eventually, we learned her stories, appreciated her humor and heard her wisdom. We built a strong connection that still serves me today. When I need a reminder of what’s important, I look at the photo of her on my dresser. 

It is more important than ever that someone fill the role and build family pride and knowledge, given today’s reality of the time families spend together.

Our adult kids are stressed and struggling to keep up. Our grandchildren are on their screens way too much. Many are anxious or very sad. National health reports show that about 20% of U.S. teenagers experience some form of depression. 

The structure of our families is frayed. Our children and grandchildren don’t communicate enough. The reasons? No time, no patience, too much work, stress and a potent cocktail of irritability and anger.

Here are just two examples where we could and should do better: 

• Parent-child conversation is often more logistical than reflective: “When should I pick you up?” versus “How is it going with Becky (or whomever/whatever is causing strain)?” Psychologists encourage “elaborative conversations” versus factual exchanges because that’s how we get the real skinny on how our kids are doing. Plain and simple, we don’t do that enough. 

• Family dinner is not a given on most nights. Estimates are that families eat dinner together three or four times per week. Because teen schedules are often overpacked with after-school activities, teens eat dinner with their families less often — one to two times per week. Teens, in particular, might benefit most from family meals, given that they are at an age when they are trying to assert their autonomy and often lack judgment. Many studies have shown the importance of family dinners for family health. Our dinners today are typically short — 20 to 40 minutes — so even if we can make dinner happen, there likely won’t be an opportunity for a full, relaxed conversation. 

Maybe with summer upon us, we can make more time for family bonding. Perhaps grandparents can lead the way as keepers of the family narrative. Grandparents can play a unique role in supporting their family’s health. Their voices are often easier for our children to hear as they offer wisdom and perspective. 

If grandparents need inspiration to step up, think of the famous scientist Marie Curie, shaped by her grandmother, Tekla Salomea Skłodowska, who instilled curiosity and resilience. Curie went on to win the Nobel Prize. 

If a more modern-day story is needed, consider Oprah Winfrey, whose grandmother taught her to read at a young age and opened the door to a golden future. 

Grandparents can be difference-makers. Our job as keepers of the family narrative is essential, and the summer is a great time to begin. 

Jill Ebstein is editor of the “At My Pace” book series. She wrote this for InsideSources.com. Please submit comments at yourvalley.net/letters or email them to AzOpinions@iniusa.org. We are committed to publishing a wide variety of reader opinions, as long as they meet our Civility Guidelines.